my biggest fear

I'm scared of love and what love leads to. I feel like a coward toward something that is supposed to be an enjoyable part of life, but I don't want to end up with another guy that follows the same pattern. Another typical guy who doesn't meet my expectations. With all this pain, I wonder if I will ever find love again. All this feeling needs to be deadened so that I can live happily again.

No matter what I say, I am hurting on the inside. My heart longs to find someone to hold me and tell me he has come to heal, but my mind pushes anyone who tries away. It is a constant battle inside of me. No matter what I do, I am always thinking of him. He was my other half, my best friend, and I can't help but fill my blog up with these depressing posts. I want someone who will try to understand me, sit me down and actually listen to the words I am desperate to say. I need a person that is ready to love me through all the good and all the bad. But I feel alone in a crowd of people even if they are all familiar faces. I know the deepest secrets of many of my friends when they do not take the time to know mine. I want someone to want to know me, but I fear this want more than anything I've feared before.

It's scary opening up to a person because you become vulnerable, and that's the biggest compliment you can give someone. Trust is not won over so easily with me and fear seems to be a big obstacle that holds me back. I sit at coffee shops and look out the antique windows, wondering if I will ever be whole again without having him by my side. This whole thing is so hard because once you give someone something, you can not take it back. It has become his forever, my heart will be his forever. What I fear is being attached to another person the way I had become so attached to him, and having another piece of my heart lost in the pile that seems to be growing in the corner of my soul. These situations are not welcome in my life anymore so I run away from the touch of every man.

I think back to where the word love has led me to, an emotional mess that seems to dictate my life. Sometimes, I can't help but feel an amount of hatred toward this word that ruined my outlook on every guy that walks in my life. If I spoke what was on my mind as my friends do to me, they wouldn't get why I think the way I do. My pain goes so much deeper than people realize and when I cry, the tears tell stories they will never be able to understand. These secrets that I lock up inside of me are tearing me apart form the inside out. I refuse to get close to someone, because fear keeps me from connecting with people as I have before.

All these emotions that I let spill over to my blog, stay on my blog. I leave all these words on this website so that I do not have to carry these feelings with me on campus all the time. My burdens seem to lift as each word has been typed, and I really enjoy the feeling. I feel like I carry a lot on my shoulders at times. I guess I never thought I had to question the one I loved.

I hate the sound our goodbye made, it has led to my biggest fear.