break up #1000

I am not a smart woman.

I let my emotions do the decision making.

Logic has no place in this brain of mine.

And I absolutely hate that about myself.

I used to make excuses for his behavior but my supply is running low. I realized the title I carried of "his girl" became "one of the girls" and now I just feel stupid. He fails to make me believe I'm actually worth any amount of effort, I never find myself feeling valued or cherished. He walked all over me and I loved him every step of the way. 

Love is a lie and I will forever believe this. He sealed his own fate in my book and now I have to make myself leave forever. He constantly gives me reasons to find another guy but I still want the one who hurt me. I pleaded with him multiple times to treat me special like he used to but he hardly cares anymore. He doesn't even try and it kills me. 

It's just this reality is so hard to accept. It feels so cold here alone without him beside me. I just remember seeing his hand in mine as we talked about forever, we took the clock down so time wouldn't hold us back. The things he says sound so true but I am a fool for believing them. 

I absolutely despise saying this but keep talking to the other girl. What you did was so wrong and it makes me so, so stupid. I'm going to go back to my town and you can go back to your life, I will never cross paths with you again. We can leave everything behind but know that you will always be on my mind. I can't be with someone who doesn't understand the one girl limit. Go ahead and talk to her because I know you always have to have someone and you can't have me anymore. You really did it this time, you finally made me angry enough to quit. 

It should be a freeing feeling to get rid of the person who has caused your heart so much harm over the past five months. Instead I just feel empty, oh so empty. I am so addicted to his words. He tells me he loves me as he is with other girls. He promised he would wait on me and love me forever but he has never been one to follow through with what he says. I am never going to find the right person if I don't let the wrong one go. Ever. Accumulated scars make me wish I never knew what love was, at least not this kind of love. 

No, she isn't a friend. I know that now. But you can't have two girls so I'm just going to leave and make the decision easier. This is the 1000th time to break up with this guy, and I'm so sorry, but I really do believe this will be the last break up post. Pain has just thrown me on the ground and I don't even want to get up anymore. I'm so stupid for thinking he will ever change for me, I was never enough in the first place, I am never going to be enough now. 

I'm not promising I won't keep talking about my poor little heart though. Will it ever be whole again?