depression

Sometimes, happiness is a choice. It is a simple matter of saying "no" to sadness before it takes over your emotions. To choose to be happy under certain circumstances can be tough, but there will always be that choice.

At times, happiness no longer becomes an option. There is no simple statement that will drive away how you feel. Sadness has a passionate pursuit to pull you under and instead of choosing to be happy, your choices become a little harder. This sadness deeply effects the majority of Americans no matter the strength of the person. It is a scarier sadness that controls your mind.

Sadness without a choice; in other words, depression. The mind is such a powerful thing and to some extent it can be tamed, but certain chemicals can cause an untamed mess. To those who are depressed, they feel so much more than the average person. Emotional experiences become an ongoing battlefield that always flood their mind. It's not that they choose to be miserable, it's that their brain will not let them know anything else. It's not that they don't want to be happy, it's that at times they have no choice.

Sometimes, when depression isn't controlled, a person experiences panic attacks. Everything they constantly bury down inside hits them all at once. As a counselor once said, "It will come in waves, some are small and some are terrifyingly large. Panic attacks can teach you so much. You learn what you need to face, what you will eventually conquer if you would stop hiding. The pain can become so intense that it will leave you unable to move but listen to what the suffering is trying to teach you. Ask the suffering what the lesson is that day."

Depression had a really strong grip on me last semester, even before the break up happened. At one point the sadness became so powerful I stopped getting out of bed. I would sleep for sixteen hours at a time and then go two days without rest. Everything was so dark in my life and instead of seeking light, I gave up. It became a daily pursuit to fight this disease in my mind and with a lot of help I was able to. The panic attacks have become less recent and I have stopped pushing my problems away. There were so many hidden issues that were rooted in the places I had left them at. This blog has helped me in so many ways because I have been able to release all my anger toward the boy who hurt me. Even though I cannot talk about the deeper issues that are really causing me harm, being able to write it all down helps, whether I publish it or not.

Now that I have faced what I needed to the pain is slowly going away.