As much as my mind wants to hold on to all the memories I never want to forget I am learning how to let go. Last night I missed him, but I woke up realizing that the situation will never change. No matter how many times I allow my mind to settle on the thought of him and what we were together, he will not reappear. Our relationship is dead now. It's a cold concept to grasp but I'm slowly stopping the torture I put myself through every night. I have got to get rid of everything that involves him even if it absolutely kills me.
The cursor remained still, blinking. The blue box represented removing not only him from my present but also my future. It meant that I had to move on and also be okay with him moving on too. Everything we had together was about to be deleted and any strings that connected us before were about to be cut off. To my surprise, my heart raced in anticipation as if it were whispering encouragement to stop all links to the boy who hurt my feelings. I ended everything right then and there, I deleted him out of my life. All of our text messages have been lost forever too. Every word that was spoken between us will hopefully fade away soon along with the deleted conversations. Pushing him out of my mind has been harder than I thought it would be.
Day by day, this new beginning is starting to make more sense. I have taken three steps back but four steps forward. Gradually, all the emotions that have been harbored in my weathered heart will become diluted. I'm taking my sweet time trying to recover from this heartbreak. As he walks her down the hallways, I need to learn how to be content walking by myself. As he tries to recreate our relationship, I want to become closer to God and pursue encouraging relationships. As he tries to cope in his way I have to become stronger. Strong enough to not need him in my life. Strong enough to be content on my own. The hardest part is creating a new "normal" that he is not a part of. My daily routine has always involved his name but I feel like I cut myself off from my life source in order to make myself happier, and it backfired. I feel like I need him, when in reality it's only a temporary want.
He always made it easier when life got hard but now he is the one making my life harder.
Out with the bad and in with the good!
ReplyDeleteAmen to that Zachy Poo. And you are part of that good, sir!
DeleteI'm just helping a much loved friend in need, I'm glad to help.
DeleteThat must have been hard. It hard to let go of something that was so familiar and what formerly seemed so safe and solid. In pursuit of God, He will provide someone who will lead you spiritually and be the man who will never imagine leaving or falling away from you because you are the blessing in his life he is undeserving of. And a guy that will treasure Christ and by extension treasure you with a pure love that cannot be tarnished.
ReplyDeleteI also want to take this opportunity to say that you also have a very profound poetic tone in the way you write. I'm pretty blown away by how well you articulate your feelings in a way most people could not. I like that a lot.
I love your comments AND your compliments! Thank you so much! You are such an encouraging person. :)
DeleteGood for you Haley!!!! You can start on your new adventure!!!:)
ReplyDelete