My heart bleeds words that cry out for comfort. Constantly keeping my hands upward, hoping that someone passing by will grab ahold and pull me up with them. Revealing my wound to those who could potentially heal is frightening.
Searching fingers trace the words in Proverbs looking for the wisdom I long for. Maintaining the feeling of resentment is not therapeutic and the suffering will never subside. I laid everything I had in his hands and I could feel my dreams choking out for help. The only voice I heard for so long was a voice of manipulation, I was always drawn to those who offered such things. I saw what they could potentially become instead of who they would always be. It is not my place to wait around for a change that will never take place, it is not my place to desire a refined heart because their hearts are hardened by selfishness.
It's like I'm built around a core of emotions that fill me up, but never come out. They hide in the dark alleys in the back of my mind and those streets are a maze. I can't remember those years. Sometimes I feel like I'm beyond repair. Songs from the past strike a chord so deep within me that I have to turn off the radio or sit in silence under the weight of everything I've lost. In the music lurks the memory of who I used to be and who surrounded me. I still feel like I was being oppressed, but I had nothing to fight against, no cause or outlet for the feelings and I felt like I was drowning. I had learned how to be happy in self-defense but a defiant happiness is a meaningless void with no one to defy.
I felt that feeling so many times, the hopelessness. I just wanted to scream, to tell them they didn't even know what pain was. But I constantly isolated myself from anyone who would seek to understand me.
My emptiness is larger than me. The need to be understood is the strongest desire I have ever felt.
And there's nothing that makes me feel like someone knows me, nothing that I experience in life.
Sometimes I can't help but type all of this out just to get it off my mind.
It's like I'm built around a core of emotions that fill me up, but never come out. They hide in the dark alleys in the back of my mind and those streets are a maze. I can't remember those years. Sometimes I feel like I'm beyond repair. Songs from the past strike a chord so deep within me that I have to turn off the radio or sit in silence under the weight of everything I've lost. In the music lurks the memory of who I used to be and who surrounded me. I still feel like I was being oppressed, but I had nothing to fight against, no cause or outlet for the feelings and I felt like I was drowning. I had learned how to be happy in self-defense but a defiant happiness is a meaningless void with no one to defy.
I felt that feeling so many times, the hopelessness. I just wanted to scream, to tell them they didn't even know what pain was. But I constantly isolated myself from anyone who would seek to understand me.
My emptiness is larger than me. The need to be understood is the strongest desire I have ever felt.
And there's nothing that makes me feel like someone knows me, nothing that I experience in life.
Sometimes I can't help but type all of this out just to get it off my mind.
"My emptiness is larger than me..." I can remember many years feeling that exact same way. I could never put the words together as eloquently as you, but I believe I may understand where you are at in your life, having been there myself.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better. :)
"Songs from the past strike a cord so deep within me that I have to turn off the radio..." I can totally relate to you Haley. I still will listen to songs that bring back memories whether its about a guy, or my friends and family it still is very real and hard to pass. I often times think the very same you do "What in the world was I thinking," or "did I know what I was doing." or "why did u let that happen." These are all questions I ask myself...but over time I realized that I needed to stop trying to figure out those bad things happened and so instead why that person or moment in time happened and what was the good In it? I know this all seems very easy and like um, yeah DUH of course. But its not easy its actually very hard, but so simple. I hope that you can do the same and hopefully you already are. :) I will be praying for you sweet Haley. I know that God will be with you in all your confusion and happiness. <3
ReplyDelete-Jenna
I love you. Parts of this look familiar for some reason ;) I hope you will be happier soon and I can't wait to spend this weekend with you!
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