ouch

I heard the song and my heart dropped to the ground. I could hear your voice singing along as I laughed along in the background.

I have been making so much progress and then sometimes it seems like I am just walking backwards.

It's the memories that hurt. It's the longing to recreate every memory we had that hurts. It's the moving on to another guy that hurts, because I cannot find you in him, but maybe that's what I need. It's the love I have for you that I doubt will ever go away. It's the realization that we will never be together and you never tried to fix anything. Why would I miss what we had when it was so bad for me?

I pray for him and sometimes the words never come out. It's so painful to tell my Lord I want the best for someone who I resent. When I was reading the bible, God whispered that loving those who love me is easy, the real challenge is loving those who hurt me and hated me. So I pray and hope that maybe, the words of blessings may be pronounced. But for now, I pray in my heart. Something about saying it out loud makes it hurt worse.

I try to cry but I can't. I have so much pain and anger that I can't even form tears. Maybe my body knows that once I start crying, I will never be able to stop. Maybe deep down, I know that if I began to feel emotion, I would be alone to deal with it. So I will continue shutting out all of these negative emotions and deal with them later. Procrastination doesn't always have to involve homework, ya know. I just really hate feeling, because when I feel, I feel so strongly.

When my heart dropped, it kind of hurt. Ouch.