secrets

Here I go, I'm going to spill my guts for all to see.

Oh goodness gracious. Harding boys are just fantastic. I have been invited to four different guy functions and three different girl functions (Knights, BOX, Chi Sigs, and Omega Phi for all you HU peeps). Honestly, I have some of the best dates on campus. I am not even in a social club at my school but it makes me feel a little more included when I get invited to all of their events anyways. And knowing me, I will be the crazy lady taking pictures of everything so I can come back to my dorm and blog about it, because that's how cool I am.

For some reason, my heart stays fond of the boy back home and I miss him dearly. Thankfully, the good Lord has let my logical brain do more of the thinking while my heart takes a break in the back seat. I have become a student of the pain that dwells inside me so that I can learn from all of the experiences I am trying to sort through. Instead of fighting all the bad feelings that come in waves I have discovered to go with the flow and let the pain take me wherever it wants to. I give him a little too much credit than he deserves sometimes, and my downfall is not being honest with myself. He was not good for me and I deserve to be treated wonderfully and truly loved. My skull is just so thick that concepts like these do not sink in until a few months of misery have been felt. The hardest days come when I forget I am supposed to be forgetting him. I am scared of losing all the memories, I am desperate to cling on to everything we had. I honestly have no idea why, he was so bad for me. This isn't easy for me and there are just so many issues beyond the boy I left that I need to sort through. Ahh, strength comes from my Lord. I have faith in Him to lift me up when I am feeling low, He has never failed me.

Everything we run away from has power over us; everything we go through, we conquer. Anger has been such a great force in my life these past few months and I have discovered that if I control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world.

My head keeps telling my heart to let love grow, but my heart has grown too smart and said this time no. I still see myself with only one guy, and that is the one that wears all the cowboy gear I hate so much back in my home town. I would be a fool to rush into another relationship when I am still grieving over the loss of the strongest love I have ever known. I have found myself pushing multiple guys away when they show signs of expected commitment or serious discussions about "us." Anything beyond friendship is distasteful to me, I am still in love. Boys are so stupid and I wish they could just take hints and walk away sometimes. There is this boy who keeps pushing me to be something I am not ready to be, a girl possessed by him. It scares me because I can feel the desire he has to put chains around my hand so he can connect the other end to himself. Freedom is something I am just now getting to experience and I will push away anyone who tries to take this away from me.

After I said all of that, I'm going to tell you that I'm crushing on a boy but I am not quite sure of anything right now. He likes to keep a basketball in one hand and mine in the other. It's pretty great.

Now that all of this is out of my system I wish all of you a fantastic week! Finals are coming up so prayer will be an even larger part of my life as I am hoping to not fail all of my upcoming tests. Oh and this month I have seriously posted every day minus one. Craziness, that is what that is.