it is official

So it's over? Yeah.

Sometimes life can be a little difficult because it hands out so many goodbyes and not enough hello's. But his goodbye was the hardest I've ever had to say. Last night I became the reason behind his tears, and that killed me more than he will ever know. But sometimes you have to put needs above wants even if it causes a lot of pain. Maybe one day I will see the light at the end of this tunnel I'm traveling through but right now, all I see is darkness.

It started as butterflies, but now it just hurts. All this pain seems to make itself comfortable in my aching heart. Everything that gave me security and comfort left me alone because I put all I had into one person. The stronger memories contain the most emotion, so all my mind thinks of is him. I was a fool for getting carried away, I knew better than letting my heart take over my mind. This whole situation makes me weak because he became the person I found my strength in. Sometimes, I find myself on my bed wishing I had a pair of arms to hold me. I find my eyes no longer dry because of how much I miss him.

As much as I wish that phone call never happened, I have to start living for myself. I have to figure out who I am without someone else telling me who they want me to be. I need to grow as a person without any obstacles. And I want to be able to go on adventures without anyone tying me down to Arkansas. I feel as if I can relate to a 40 year old man in his middle age crisis. I just don't know who I am anymore. The response to this confusion might have been a little dramatic, by dropping everything that had become comfortable to me. Tomorrow I'm getting 4 inches of my hair chopped off, yesterday I made a phone call that I really didn't want to make, I changed my major, my roommate, even the location of dorms.

For right now I stand alone and I'm okay with that because even though I'm alone, I am content. At least I'm going to keep telling myself this. This post was really mixed together but long story short: I'm single and I'm on a search to answer "who am I?'

I'm ready for this new adventure.