I feel as if my blog has been confusing lately. Breakup week, waterfall dates, and hey I'm marrying this guy! I'll be honest, there is no possible way I could develop feelings for another guy right now but saying that I do makes me feel better. It gives me this hope that some day I might be able to move on, but for now I just want the guy I will never have. I have had to force myself to be social so that I will not lock myself in my dorm room and cry until I run out of tears. I have been sad a little too often lately, because my heart is still wanting the boy I decided to leave. This was supposed to be a good thing, this was something that was supposed to help me in the long run.
Sometimes I want to sit on a street corner and beg for hugs. I do not feel any love or appreciation for all the time I spend helping people. I feel like Jesus has given me a heart that thrives off of being there for my friends and even my enemies. But I give and give and give and end up receiving nothing in return. I feel so empty now because I have given all I have and no one has given me any encouragement back. I do not mention how badly my heart has been broken and how all my mind thinks of is his voice to anyone, because I am busy listening to what is on their mind. Which is fine but on days like this I need a friend that will be there for me as I have been there for them. But when I need help, everyone runs away. I'm not the plague, I just want a hug and some love and an ear to talk to.
I don't even want love anymore because right now all the word does is bring up horrible memories and make me cry. I miss looking forward to his surprise visits to Harding and the weekends where we got to spend time together. I feel so much love toward someone I am supposed to be forgetting. I can't seem to figure anything out right now. What I want in life is as clear as mud and the planner inside of me screams for more clarity and structure. Maybe I need to take a nap and get all of this confusing mess out of my head. Excuse the emotional roller coaster I'm going through, this blog shall be filled with dreams and love again but right now everything is a tad dark.
It is a sad day because I am a sad person.
I am so sorry Haley. i know how you feel. It'll get better! Just give it some time. :)
ReplyDeleteTime heals, I love that concept! Everything will get better you are right!
DeleteI'm sorry Haley! That must be so hard to go through all at once....I wish I knew you in person so I could listen to you for hours and hug you too! <3
ReplyDeleteHope things get better, and just take it one step at a time. God is showing you the way... Don't worry.
xoxo,
~Michlyn
Comments like this one make my day so much better! Thank you so much for your kind words. God is an awesome God, and He is definitely showing me the way.
DeleteI saw a quote the other day that really fits this, it said "Sometimes, we need to be hurt in order to grow. We must lose in order to gain. Sometimes, some lessons are learned best through pain", you may be broken now, but soon you shall heal, coming out better and stronger than you were before. It's just a matter of getting past it. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love you Zach. You are an awesome dude! :) You always make my days better!
DeleteJust doing my job ma'am, but thank you and I love you too. :)
Deletehaley i'm so sorry that you're feeling down about all of this. i can't imagine how confused you are. it must be so hard to say goodbye to someone because you know it's for the best, even though you still love them. Also - you sound like an amazing friend, i'd love to have a friend like you. since I moved to Alaska it's been hard making new ones... so if you ever want to vent or have someone to talk to who will listen then please feel free to email me! I would love to chat :)
ReplyDeleteI might take you up on that offer.. Haha! And the same goes for you because I would absolutely love to listen and offer encouragement to you as well! If anything is troubling you feel free to email away, because I know sometimes writing everything down and just sending it to someone is such an awesome feeling. So, it is definitely mutual. Thanks girl! You da best!
Delete