the idiot who can't use scissors

Sometimes when I smile, I don't mean it. Most people say this is normal though.

Beyond what my face says about me I still think about him. I don't understand why I long to get a phone call or sweet text from a boy who became rude and stopped caring about me. I'm not sure if it's normal to be this stupid or not but I just want to hear his voice. That was seven months of my life and now everything we had has become a memory. I never wanted all of that to become a memory, I wanted it to become forever. Feelings are said to fade but mine only grow stronger. Today marks too long of no communication and my heart feels as if it is constantly crying. I miss his hugs. I just want a hug.

Break ups are supposed to heal over time so I guess I have to give it time. I just hate knowing that all of this came to the term "break up" instead of "time apart." It could have been fixed, but he didn't want to fix it. Everything could have gone back to normal but he wouldn't look past himself. What we had could have had a chance in this world, but it died too quickly when put under strain. Sometimes I just close my eyes and pretend none of this bad stuff is happening, I pretend like he still cares and he still wants to talk to me too. But when I open my eyes, I realize that it's still just me. I'm the only one and I am holding on too tight, I have to let go.

Here I am, trying to cut off the strings that I never wanted to become strings in the first place. These strings are the only things left that connect us, to where I feel somewhat connected to him. But I stand at the beginning of each string realizing he has already beat me to the cutting. He has already walked away and I'm the one standing here like an idiot. What we had has become something to think about occasionally for him, but for me it's still everything.

This is what goes on in my mind when I smile.