anywhere but here

And by anywhere, I mean Searcy. By here, I mean this town. It really gets me down sometimes.

In 8 days I will be in a town where no one knows who I was in high school and everywhere I turn will be a new face, giving me the fresh start I've longed for. I live in a town that represents my past, which is something I've never been too fond of. I just want to get away from all these chains I seem to drag around all the time. All of this anger and depression somehow end up in this little bottle inside my heart and my emotions show their ugly face at inconvenient times. 

Maybe this new beginning will give me new wings because right now I'm trying to fly off of broken wings. I will be able to have a future that doesn't involve anyone whose known me all my life. I really don't like the people here. My high school hallway was full of faces that remind me of that one summer or a six year sisterhood gone bad. I just think of what I deserve and how I haven't yet reached my full potential. The process of treating me like second best and sticking all those sharp objects in my back has handed over some sleepless nights. And even after years of trying to heal, I'm still bitter. My heart keeps refusing to give out acceptance to apologies that are not sincere or to the people who just gave me too deep of a pain to forget. 

High school was one negative experience after another. Drama here, drama there and when I looked in the mirror I never saw who I really was. I only saw a girl who was desperate to be wanted by someone, a girl who was never good enough. Instead of asking for help I internalized everything that involved pain or regret, for fear of being scolded or judged. To this day I still find myself not reaching out for a hand to pull me out of the pits I find myself in. Not that there isn't hands there, but sometimes I like staying in the pit. Call me crazy, because I know you are.

I feel a little down right now. Feel free to come over and give me a hug. One of the big bear ones.